40
by alexenzeru
Summary: Light's train of thought as his life is ending, he thinks of his time as Kira, the meaning of the Death Note in his life and of L. One shot OR Multiple chapters - not sure yet.
1. 40

**A/N This is entirely random...I had to split it up because when I wrote it, it was a stream of consciousness in one large block. I know I change from third to second person halfway through...it's sort of supposed to happen. Some bits might not make sense if you havn't watched the series in a while. I wrote this a while ago and just revisited it and had no idea what half of it meant until I started to remember the series.**

**When I watched the anime, I didn't want Light to die at the end so I came up with a scenario in which he could stay alive. This short beginning doesn't really give any hints as to my idea and because I like this as it is I might not bother continuing. Anyway – I hope you enjoy! Please Read and Review ^^**

*****

"Light Yagami. L. Kira. It's over. You've lost the game."

He stumbled through the streets, clutching his shoulder as he moved. Damn bullets...he was Kira! He could kill at a moment's notice! He _had_ killed! Countless times! But in the end...he was just...human? After all this time. After all he'd been through, all his careful planning, all his _calculations_ in the end...he wasn't a God...he wasn't immortal...he was...breakable. Yes...suddenly he seemed so...fragile.

A scratch, a graze, a slice maybe...but a bullet? A bullet could not be denied. A gunshot to the chest...mere seconds and a life could be over. A bullet could end things faster than he could... Of course there had always been the possibility that things could go wrong like this. Light was a man of logic, intelligence, he was _infallible_, wasn't he? Of course he had included it in the formula, the programming of this complicated game, but...his arrogance...his greed...his _power_...how could they all come down to nothing? It all came down to probability...what started as a 5% chance...had led to this.

His downfall?

Was that what this was?

A weak, bitter laugh escaped his lips. Even as he approached his final moments, all he could think about was that damn L. Thoughts swirled around in his head, had L planned for this to happen all along? Had L truly defeated him?

...

He hoped so.

For all his scorns, for all his attempts at L's life...what the strange man had said was true...they _were_ friends...they _had been_ friends. Or had that all been part of L's plans as well?

Light clutched at the railings to his left, his breath coming in rasps, giddy laughs escaping his bloody lips. What fun this had been. He supposed that this whole affair had been inevitable. How could someone as smart as him be content with just living?

Was it possible to be content with anything anymore?

Remember Light, remember when you were careless. When you _could afford_ to be careless, when the slightest slip wouldn't be the cause of your untimely end. How selfish you are...that after all the lives you've greedily consumed, the only one that causes you to pause is your own. Or can you accept it? Can you accept that maybe there are people in the world whose lives matter as much as yours? L is the only person who has ever been able to match your intelligence, possibly even topped it, and Misa? An annoyance?

Yes. An annoyance and nothing more.

There's no point in trying Light. You can't fool yourself into believing that your life had any meaning. In the end, you have no one. And you are content. Content because for the first time, you've truly been proved wrong.

When did you start thinking of humans as different from yourself? When did it start, that you were something else, an entirely new entity? What had you thought yourself? A God? Perhaps not. After all, you have met and spoken with the Gods and even they left you bored.

In truth, you are waiting for the footsteps to sound behind you. You _fear_ them, an entirely human concept.

When that happens it will truly be the end. But the footsteps don't come. You hear nothing, but suddenly you can see everything. It's all a matter of time...your own obsessive compulsion could be the end of you, Light. But still...you find yourself counting. 40. It became such a huge part of your life that you wondered if just that one number could have some divine meaning. 40.

It's the end, isn't it?

So why are you still counting?

*****

Why are you heading home? That's the first place they'll look for you, but you know that. What memories lay there? You didn't grow up there. You didn't live there. Light didn't live there. Only Kira. Any memories Light had have faded...what _do_ you remember?

It all seems like a blur...the first thing you remember?

Picking up the Death Note. And what since then? Very little...you remember various faces, a few voices but they don't _mean_ anything. In a moment you realise that you have little to show for your life...a childhood genius who surmounted to nothing? That's what everyone will think. It's unlikely that Near will publish any of the information he acquired. Anyone who bothers to look you up (and who would!?)...all they'll see is a rash of achievements at a young age, impressive enough, but meaningless in the face of a blank future.

And before you know it, rasping sobs are wracking your body. What is happening to you? You're brain is malfunctioning somehow, all you ever saw were the figures, the formulae the _possibilities_ the back-up plans...and now? Nothing. Just a heap of worthless..._emotion_. All this wasted time...what were all those deaths if you were never meant to live in your perfect world? What did they mean if you would never enjoy them? In the end...did your motives changed? Did it become more about beating L than ridding the world of those who did not deserve to live in it? There you go again... L L L L L L L!!! And when did you resort to such childish internal tantrums?

Dying doesn't suit you.

So why don't you stop?

Why don't you use that famous brain of yours and figure out this mess?

Why?

*****


	2. Before I Die

**A/N. Some of the formatting is really weird and probably really annoying near the end (or middle...) but it seemed to fit.**

**I don't want to ruin the 'mood' at the end so I'll say here:**

**Please R&R! ^^ (P.S – I don't own Death Note, if I did, Lighty-kins wouldn't have died.)**

*****

Why?

How?

How is it that you're still alive? You check your watch. It's still working, still counting, so how? You pause for a moment and close your eyes.

* * *

40.

Opening your eyes you laugh at yourself. What did you expect to see? A paradise, surrounded by white light? The bloody faces of all that you've killed? No? Then what. Why are you shocked? Accept it Light. You're not dead. They're not coming. They don't care.

You're delirious. You slump against something; it rattles and moves with your weight. You reach up and wind your fingers through the holes. A tennis court? For some unimaginable reason, you want to see it with your own eyes, not the damaged eyes of your memory. Strange choking sounds emit from your throat as you reach your head backwards, your eyes straining to see...the sky...the railings...the net...the tarmac.

You let out a strangled sigh of relief. You managed to see it. You don't understand why you had wanted to see it so much. You've never played there. Kira never played there either.

It was something of a challenge. Can I do this before I die? The tennis court means nothing, it was something on the way, part of the background. It blended in. You've never blended in.

Your intelligence, your looks, your skills they all put you on a pedestal.

How you wish you could experience, just once, the feeling of unimportance. You've killed in ways so impossible that you hardly believed they were real, but you can't become invisible. Not painted in red as you are.

Red.

With effort that shouldn't have been necessary, you snap your head back to its resting place and then let it fall so that your chin rests on your chest and you can see your bullet ridden body.

How curious you are...

With moans of pain escaping your lips, you tug your arm free from where it is resting beneath your body and test your fingers. They're numb from cold and the pressure of your body but they can move. You lift your hand to your lips and, opening your mouth slowly, slip your fingers inside. The warmth forces the blood to move. Kinetic Energy.

You pull them jerkily to your neck and they fumble with the buttons of your blood-soaked shirt. After what seems like a huge amount of effort, your shirt slackens around your body, gaping open to reveal your bare chest. You gaze at your chest. Glistening in the half-light.

You reach down and, trying to be gentle, attempt to wipe away the excess blood with the tattered fabric. You just want to see. Some morbid curiosity. Five bullets have to leave a mark. Your eyesight blurs as you rub at your wounds. But you can still feel. Reaching to your abdomen, you run a finger over the hole. Your vision blackens for a moment at the pain, but you're body knows that unconsciousness will offer no respite now. You're too far gone, too broken to be healed by a REM cycle.

Despite your pretences, you fear death, but although you know it can only speed up the process, you want the foreign objects, the cause of your 'untimely end' out of your body. Another thing on your to do list. Can I do this before I die?

You clench your muscles, preparation for the pain, and probe two fingers into the hole in your abdomen. The bullet was small, and your fingers stretch the wound, but you can feel it. Smooth and hard, you can feel the bullet and you want it gone. Your fingers move uselessly inside your body but the bullet stays where it is. You know that it will hurt dreadfully but your mind won't let you stop. You dig your nails into the surrounding flesh and force the bullet upwards by reducing the volume of its resting place.

Relief. Another thing you managed to do before you died. You prepare to repeat the process on the other four wounds but you hear...

Footsteps.

Running.

They're coming for you Light. You don't know what this makes you feel. You are happy, happy that they care enough to chase you. But your fear. Your fear which proves your humanity, you don't want to get caught by these men, your men.

You wrench yourself up, clutching the railings for support and then lurch forward. You know that once you're moving it will be easy to just keep going. It's starting that's difficult. But you do it. And then you're running. The throb of your wounds is easily ignored when you concentrate on the footsteps.

And the counting.

You're still waiting. Still waiting for the running to stop. Still waiting to hear the chokes as they clutch their hearts, the thuds as their bodies fall.

Still counting.

40. You're so used to the process. You are chased and they die. But it's gone. Everything is gone, you can't stop them now.

Your body is weak, tired. You doubt that you can outrun them. Your own men. Chasing you.

Funny how things turn out, isn't it?

You should kill yourself.

It would be easier. But...You don't have the courage (or the gun) to shoot yourself; you know from your previous ministrations that you don't have the strength to physically attack your own body. You could use the...ah. Even now, you think of the Death Note. A 40-second death would be easy for you, wouldn't it? Quick. Practically painless. However, writing your own name in a Death Note would mean that you were just as bad as all those criminals you killed and you cannot...no...will not accept that.

Besides. You've used your last resort. Your last scrap of Godly power wasted.

They're shouting.

They're getting closer. You know you're glad it's them chasing you and not Near and his cronies. Pathetic imitations of L.

L.

You miss him. If only...

No.

What's done is done. There's nothing you can do now. L would understand. He would appreciate such an intelligent death.

L, so intelligent. He would never have been caught in a situation such as this. He would always have a backup plan, for every plan, another waiting to take its place.

Why does he keep popping into your conscious thoughts? You've thought of him little since his death. A dream every now again, but never a real effort to _think_ about him.

L.

He would always have a backup plan.

You stop.

L...

The footsteps are approaching, but you feel a new strength, you don't worry that you won't be able to outrun them. You allow yourself a moment to think. You've used your last resort...what would L's have been?

You take in your surroundings. The calculations dance through your head, the formulae arrange themselves behind your eyes.

4 minutes.

That's all you need.

You can hear voices behind you, distinct, personal voices to accompany the cacophony of footsteps.

No need to push your luck.

A triumphant smile breaks across your face. There's a good chance you won't make it.

But the excitement...

The feeling as your brain works...

You feel like L has encompassed your soul...

You feel like L is working with you, to save you...

You run.

There are exclamations behind you as your feet move to new speeds. It is impossible. This speed you have attained. Most likely a last burst of adrenaline. But there's no point giving up. It's just a hunch but you might as well try.

A faint memory.

From a time when you were Light again, a Light who had experienced Kira but was left with no memory of him.

You see the building looming before you. The final frontier.

A choked, maniacal laugh escapes your body as you hear the footsteps dropping away.

They think you are cornered as you run through the doors. They think it's over.

You approach the staircase, exactly the same as when you'd left it. You begin to climb, but suddenly the injuries your body has sustained overtake you and you collapse.

You curse.

Stupid. Your brain knows what to do. It's your weak body that won't oblige.

You lay on your back, unable to summon the strength to get up. You gaze through the skylight as day fades away. In the distance you see a dark shadow atop a tower.

"Shingami."

The one word whispered in your ear is irrational. The shadow could be anything. But the voice whispers again.

"Shinigami."

You know it's Ryuk. Fulfilling his promise. He is going to kill you.

With one last effort, you lift your wrist to your face.

And you count.

1, you don't want to die this way...

2, if only you had more strength.

3, you wish that L was here...

4, you're sure. He would have known what to do.

5, He must have had a last resort...

6, So intelligent...

7, He wouldn't have left anything to chance.

8, You're sure.

9, It's here somewhere.

10, L's last resort.

11, You decide.

12, No matter what it is.

13, More killing,

14, More running,

15, Suicide,

16, No matter what it is.

17, You will use it.

18, L's last resort.

19, A final acceptance that he,

20, L

21, Was more intelligent than you,

22, You will use it.

23, You pull yourself up.

24, Whatever happens, it will be over soon.

25, You crawl up the remaining stairs.

26, Blind. You don't remember where the light switch is.

27, L's office...fumbling...

28, You don't know what you're looking for.

29, But you know it's here, somewhere...

30, Come on, search harder!

31, You open the last draw...

32, A photograph, a woman...

33, A certificate, graduation...

34, A box.

35, You open the box.

36, There's only one, for emergency use only.

37, L's last resort.

38, He chose suicide after all.

39, You lift the poison capsule to your lips

40.

*****

Ryuk closed the notebook resting on his leg and sighed. Of all the times he had meddled in the human world, this had been the longest, the best. Light had been the _most_ entertaining human of them all. He wished he hadn't had to kill him. But realistically, how long could he wait? What more could Light do? How many more 'lucky breaks' could the kid have?

None it seemed.

Tucking the notebook into his pocket, Ryuk took off. Back to boredom.

He flew slowly, sadly. It was unlikely that any future human toys would be as fascinating as Light had been.

He felt regret. But there was nothing he could do.

He flew on, entering the world of the Shinigami.

"Stop."

Ryuk lifted his eyes to meet those of the guard.

"It is I, Ryuk." He muttered impatiently, "Let me pass." he began to fly forward. It wasn't that he was eager to return to his world. Only that he didn't see the point in hanging around the human world for longer than necessary.

Ryuk felt a barrier clash against his chest.

"No." The guard said, "I cannot let you pass." Ryuk growled; he was not in the mood for this.

"You have broken the rules of the Shinigami, and subsequently, you cannot enter our world."

"Explain to me, then, exactly what I have done?" Ryuk challenged.

"You have broken the first law of the Shinigami. You have used your notebook to save a human from death." Ryuk fought to hide his shock. How could such a serious accusation be made against him? No-one would joke about such a thing. Ryuk knew from experience that the consequence of this action was death.

"Give me your Death Note." The guard ordered, and Ryuk handed over the black notebook without hesitation. In his mind, he went through all the names he had written in the book recently.

_Hino Takari, Yamada Mitskuni, Matsuri Hanako, Takayoshi Akane, Ootori Kamiko, Wabasu Akio, Yagami Light._

None of them had been attacking another human. In fact, except for Light Yagami, he hadn't killed anyone in over six human years. Had it been any of the others he would have suffered the consequences much sooner than this. So that left only...

Light.

The Shinigami felt a jolt of fear. He had seen Light at work; he knew his intelligence was exceptional. What could he possibly have done? Had he planned this from the beginning? Had he raised a gun to one of the men chasing him at the last moment? What?

The guard held Ryuk's Death Note open in front of him and pointed to the last name in the book.

"Light Yagami." He said, and Ryuk's fears seemed confirmed.

"What did he do?" Ryuk stuttered, "Who was he trying to kill? I swear I didn't know! I wasn't trying to save anyone!"

The guard consulted his own black notebook and chuckled, sounding at the same time both shocked and amused.

"Himself," he said and Ryuk glared at him in confusion.

"You wrote his name in your Death Note at the exact moment he tried to kill himself."

*****

You, Light Yagami, lie motionless on the stairs. Your body is bruised from the fall, but your eyes are closed peacefully. You're a mess. But your good looks shine through. You look like a fallen angel with your white shirt billowing open.

Your pale skin shines in the small amount of light that is left, the ugly red stains almost invisible in the semi-darkness.

It's cold in here. The doors and the skylight are open and there is nothing to stop the cool breeze from penetrating your thin clothing.

Your skin is cold too.

They found you, you know. Those men of yours. They saw you lying here, cold, red, unmoving. And they left you.

They left you.

But I didn't leave you.

Do you hear me?

You are still. There is no movement except for the wind.

It is silent.

Can you hear me?

The wind moans, and small flakes begin to fall through the skylight. The flakes are warm. They are not snow. They fall against your skin and create a contrast of colour. They are shadows against your paleness, and they are falling faster. They speckle your skin, interrupting the smoothness. They are like ash as they fall, tossed around by the wind. They begin to cover you.

More and more they fall, obstructing what little light still attempts to shine through the skylight.

Light.

As darkness surrounds you, it becomes difficult to tell where the ash ends and you begin. It all melds into one until, with one large gust of wind, the excess flakes are blown from your skin, and something heavy falls onto the stairs next to you.

As the object hits the floor, your eyes fly open.

A gasp of air fills your lungs.

And your hand...

Slowly...

Slowly reaches, your fingers crawling, desperately towards it until...

You touch it.

You grasp it.

You hold it against your chest.

You cling to it, and then you open it.

It falls open naturally onto a specific page. You are very weak, lying on your back, but you manage to hold the notebook in front of your face for long enough to see what is written there.

"Light Yagami."

You did it.

L did it.

We did it.


End file.
